I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize