I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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