he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
