Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
