Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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