if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i think i have two assholes
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
