The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
