Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
