You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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