conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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