the condom got lost in my hair
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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