I am spending my child support on dildos
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
