I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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