even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
