My hair reeks of homosexuality.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
