I think I won the penis lottery.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
