Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Randomize
