Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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