just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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