I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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