New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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