I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize