look no pants
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Pants are for mortals
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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