So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
