there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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