I wanna passion pit in your ass
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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