Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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