Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
