I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
