A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
