So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
