After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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