you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
