So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
