I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
