God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
