cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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