I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
