Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
