Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
