Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
