she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
