Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
