the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
