i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
