if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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