Where is the hickey?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's blow job season.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
