You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
