My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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