try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
