thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
