Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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