I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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