im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
