My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
