ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
