A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
