if i died would you start the facebook group?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
