My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
