I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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