he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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